Toxic Relationship Advice: What You *NEED* to Know Before It’s Too Late

Human relationships are HARD. Dealing with a toxic relationship is even harder.

Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a relationship with a family member, each one has its infinite array of idiosyncrasies and issues that need to be worked out.

The people we are closest to can make us amazingly happy or amazingly stressed and sad.

It’s a two sided coin. . .

As a married couple ourselves for the last 20 years, Sitang and I have been in a cross-cultural relationship (Thai and British), which creates its own potential tensions above and beyond the normal.

Different cultural values. . . Social customs. . . Languages. . .

The list goes on.

Of course we’ve had our fair share of problems, but we always try to work through them TOGETHER, and QUICKLY.

Why? Because we both feel it’s worth it.

And because we know that our relationship, when it’s going well, is valuable and still makes us happy. 

Most serious relationships — romantic or not — are in a state of constant flux and require a degree of regular emotional juggling to make sure that it’s healthy and beneficial for both sides.

But that’s not always the case, especially if the relationship is toxic or abusive. 

You’d be amazed by how many people are unaware that they’re in such negative relationships — or are unable to admit it to themselves.

Until they can see things clearly, they can’t find a way out.

And if they can’t find a way out, then they can’t find happiness. . .

Do you ever wonder if a relationship you’re in is toxic?

If so, you might want to read on.

In this post, we’ll delve into what toxic relationships are, identify some of the warning signs, explore ways to try and get things back on track, and show you what to do if that fails.

Understanding Toxicity

What Defines a Toxic Relationship?

At its core, a toxic relationship is one that negatively impacts the well-being of one partner or the other — or both.

There are, of course, different degrees of ‘toxicity’.

Pinning down precisely what defines a toxic relationship is tricky, but controlling behavior, lack of trust, and emotional abuse are common hallmarks.

Physical abuse is obviously another one.

We’ll get to the specific warning signs in a moment. . .

A Relationship Worth Saving?

One issue that many couples face is trying to work out whether to save or sacrifice the relationship. 

And that’s a hard question to answer. 

One thing is clear though: If the signs are there, you need to do something.

Because if you don’t, sooner or later the negativity will begin to affect other areas of your life.

When that starts to happen, it’s the beginning of a rapid spiraling down into a life of chaos and stress.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

The Telltale Traits of a Toxic Relationship

You are the best judge of whether a relationship is more bad than good, so trust your instincts.

The easiest way to think of it is this:

If someone constantly puts your well-being at risk through what they say or do, or by neglecting you, the relationship is likely toxic.

Toxic relationships include those with clear physical or verbal abuse, but there are also subtler signs of a toxic relationship.

Here are eight of them, in no particular order:

Warning Signs: Healthy Versus Toxic Behaviors

To figure out if your relationship is actually toxic or not, actively pay attention to what’s actually happening (not just what your emotions tell you is happening).

To do this properly, you’ll need to try to stand back and objectively observe the behaviors and interactions as they happen.

In the table below are some examples of positive and negative behaviors in a relationship.

Clearly, the Healthy Behaviors on the left are the ones you should be experiencing in your relationships. . .

Effects of a Toxic Relationship

. . . and The Toll on Mental Health

In a toxic relationship, there’s usually a lack of respect and boundaries are crossed.

Sometimes, people might not even realize they’re doing it.

However, if this hurtful behavior happens over and over with the clear intention to harm the other person, that’s considered an abusive relationship.

Not every bad relationship is abusive, but if a relationship is abusive, it’s definitely toxic.

Abuse can take many forms — like messing with someone’s mind, emotions, or even their body.

Abusive relationships also usually often follow a pattern:

Tension builds up, abuse happens, apologies or blame follow, and then there’s a calm period before it starts all over again.

It goes without saying that toxic relationships of any sort take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being.

This leads to low self-esteem, depression and a sense of inadequacy.

From there, it’s a negative spiral downwards. . .

So, once you’ve identified the negative patterns, how do you actually break free from the cycle of bad relationships and make a positive change?

Fixing a Toxic Relationship

Transforming a Toxic Relationship

If you’re dealing with a toxic relationship, it’s worth first considering whether it can be improved or restored.

(Of course, this can’t be the case in a seriously toxic relationship where the abuse is dangerous.)

Here are some steps you can take if you want to try and work things out:

Collaborate to Uncover Solutions

• Try to engage in open discussions about the challenges in your relationship, and work together to discover resolutions that satisfy both parties.
  

Honestly Share Concerns:

• When you have worries, articulate them sincerely using “I feel” statements.
• This approach helps convey your emotions without provoking defensiveness in the other person.
• Communicate your observations effectively, describing your needs and feelings while also recognizing your own role in the circumstances.
• Remember to be specific in terms of what behaviors are upsetting you.

Minimize Time with Negative Influences:

• Reduce interactions with individuals who evoke unhappiness or frustration.
• If avoidance isn’t feasible, such as with family or colleagues, try to limit engagements as much as possible.
  

Establish Clear Boundaries

• Define acceptable and unacceptable behavior explicitly.
• Then, establish boundaries and try to agree with the other person.
  

Promote Positive Communication

• Cultivate an atmosphere where both parties feel secure expressing thoughts and emotions without fearing judgment.
• Practice letting the other person speak without interrupting them (YES, it will be hard!).
• Try to listen without judgment as they speak, so that you can really hear what they say.
• It may well be that you immediately disagree with everything they have said after they stop speaking; that’s fine, but actively listen to them first.
  

Self-Reflection

• If you are in an abusive relationship, this is no time to be questioning yourself — you need to GET OUT RIGHT AWAY.
• However, if you are in a relationship that is, or is becoming, toxic and you are confused as to why, you might need to considering whether there is anything YOU need to do to help move the relationship forward.
• Are you guilty of being toxic at any point, too? Or is it completely one-sided and all their fault?
• Consider this deeply and be brutally honest with yourself.
• If you feel that there IS something you need to change, then tell the other person, apologize and let them know how you intend to fix it.
• Ask for their support.
  

Contemplate a Timeout

• If your relationship is mostly or intensely toxic, consider taking a temporary break from the relationship.
• It’s not always easy, especially in the case of families who live together (and especially when the toxic relationship involves a minor).
• In this case, ‘zoning’ the house or apartment for use at different times by different people, and staggering meal times etc. is one way to reduce the likelihood of conflict.
• If a child is involved, then asking a relative to take them for an extended period, if possible, can help massively.
  

Therapy

• Sometimes, seeking the guidance of a relationship therapist can make a significant difference.
  

If you’ve tried all of the above and nothing is working, YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO LEAVE. 

Walking Away from a Toxic Relationship 

It won’t be easy, but it might be necessary. 

If you are going to end the relationship, make sure you have made that decision clearly in your own head before telling the other person.

It can be easy to be talked out of it, if you are in a weak position (especially if the other person is very controlling or aggressive).

So, think the conversation through VERY carefully before you have it.

Make sure you know EXACTLY what you are going to say. Also think about what your responses will be when they try to convince you to stay.

It may be the case that you can simply tell the other person that you are leaving them, and give them the reasons. 

However, if the relationship is seriously toxic, trying to leave on those terms or in the heat of an argument could be counter-productive.

In the WORST case scenario, it could be very unsafe.

A better idea is to make a proper exit plan, and then follow it through completely.

That might include leaving when the other person is out.

However you choose to do it, make sure you have somewhere to go — a safe space.

Important Note

If you are going to break up with someone, always have the conversation in a location of your choosing.

Crucially, if you feel concerned, as they might become physically abusive, choose to speak to them in a public place.

You might also want to let a friend or family member know when and where you are choosing to have the conversation , so that they can provide support if needed.

Self-Care, Professional Help and Helplines

If you find yourself in a seriously toxic or dangerous relationship and know you need professional guidance, don’t hesitate to reach out for help.

Self-care and your own wellbeing are the absolute priority.

Seeking assistance from a therapist who specializes in relationships is a good idea, as they can provide invaluable support.

But don’t worry if that’s not possible, as there are still ways for you to reach out to organizations that can help.

In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). In the UK, you can call 0808 2000 247. Here’s a list of international helplines and websites.

The Bottom Line

It’s never easy navigating the complexities of relationships, but recognizing signs of toxicity is essential.

If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, try first to solve the issues yourself.

However, sometimes that’s much easier said than done, so you need to seek professional support.

If you’ve tried everything but there’s still no change — or if the relationship is seriously abusive — then be BOLD, be BRAVE and get out of the relationship as quickly as you can. 

There’s nothing wrong with that.

And there’s no need to feel guilty.

If the other person isn’t willing to do the work, then there’s nothing else you can do. 

They have their path; you have yours. . .

Remember this:

You deserve more than the other person is giving you.

You deserve happiness.

So go find it.